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I`d walk barefoot across an ocean of Legos for you.
There is a special place in hell for people who are not ready to order when it`s their turn.
Whenever there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
Your shadow: What happens when light travels 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet by you.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
Who did you vote for?? Clinton ? Trump ? Vodka
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
Crazy is like diarrhea. You can only hold it in for so long.
You think having periods is hard? ... Try being on a 24 hour killstreak on Call of Duty with itchy balls.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
I`m writing this status very slowly, cause I know you guys can`t read very fast.
I wonder if Brazil has a wax museum?
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.