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Sometimes late at night, I dig a hole in the back yard to keep the nosey neighbor`s guessing.
I enjoy shopping online because at least I don`t have to act all shocked when my credit card gets declined.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
2 cops walk into a bar... I don`t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
I slept and woke up. (ok, lately this has become a major accomplishment in my life)
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
My ex was in a swimming competition with 19 other women today. They were doing the breaststroke. Unfortunately, she came in last place. She didn`t know she could have used her arms!
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"
This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.