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"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Survival rule #1: You go first.
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If the waitress in the One Bell Pub is reading this can we please have our pudding now, cheers
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
Tieam... problem solved
I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It`s useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non removable screws.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!