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You know you are old when your parties have glasses instead of red plastic cups.
Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advise.
There`s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself " thank god the cops are here"
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
The awkward moment when you set something down for a second and it disappears off the face of the earth.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, Do you want to save the changes?
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
Some of you need to be driven out to the country and released back into the wild
They say a dog can retrieve a tennis ball from over a mile away. Seems a bit far fetched to me.
My To-Do list for today is just a bunch of things I wanna eat.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking exsessively and letting their wives drive.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry