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"Just be yourself" doesn`t work if you suck.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I`m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
They don`t make pizza or beer out of celery. And that is all you need to know about celery.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Never judge a book by it`s movie.
Meanwhile on Facebook, someone has made a casserole...
I bought my mother in-law one of those atomic clocks. I can`t wait for the alarm to go off.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
You can tell by a woman`s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I see dead people. Well technically they`re stupid people, but give me a few minutes