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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
If you don`t know where you are going, any road will get you there.
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
We may be an advanced nation but we still have to remind employees to wash their hands when they pee.
Be thankful for stupid people, they make it easier for the rest of us to get ahead in life.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. It reminds me of why there is no money in there.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
When two people love each other deeply, nothing is impossible. Except deciding on where to eat.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
You know you are desperate for an answer when you look at the second page of Google.
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.
The drunker I get, the more dance moves I know.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one