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The worlds gonna end in 5 days & I don`t know what I`m gonna wear.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said "I will text you when I get home". I think she`s homeless.
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Okay, enough procrastination. Time for excuses.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
I hate to call it "one night stands"... I prefer the term "auditions"
Facebook should make it to where it says, `Went from being in a relationship` to `Problem solved.`
I hate fake people...especially the ones at the mall advertising clothes in front of the stores