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Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children,,, old girlfriends tend to get offended.
My life is a constant cycle of waiting for the weekend and then not doing anything when it comes.
When I die I want my body donated to science; specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead people back to life
When they say all expenses paid, does that include bail?
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Old video games couldn`t be won. They just got harder and harder until you died. Just like real life.
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
Just because I’m smiling, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hit you in the face.
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.