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I find you`re total lack of ambition is inspiring.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
If you love something set it on fire, if it... no wait, is that right? sh!t! Be right back...
Me- We need eggs. Hub- How many? Me- One. See if they will sell you just one.
Ladies, how do I work my man boobs and get out of a ticket? Quick, she`s coming.
I`m pretty sure my laundry breeds while I sleep.
My phone dies faster than a black man in a horror film.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
It`s a bad sign when your credit card bill has a comma and your bank statement doesn`t!
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge