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United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
Dang I didn`t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
If you can’t face it, moon it.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.