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I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
Mosquito landed on my friend`s face; easiest decision of my life.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines once. Nothing changed.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
Whew, good thing there`s a facebook petition for ending the shutdown, or else we`d be in real trouble.
Before you have any hope for the future of humanity, come and look at how this guy parked.
They say I have a drinking problem. I say they have a problem with nudity.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over