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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
The lottery is over $400 million. Sorry poor kids, no dinner tonight...
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
When everything is coming your way ... You`re in the wrong lane.
My lifetime stats are pretty average until you move over to the Pizza Consumed column.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Wait, carjacking doesn`t mean masturbating in my vehicle? Then no, I didn`t get arrested for carjacking.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
I found a penny today that reminded me of you. Totally worthless and always in a stranger`s pants.