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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
If I could choose any one mythological creature to become alive & real, I`d have to pick…My girlfriend.
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I was just chatting with my cat about how being lonely can make a person crazy.
My right thumb is in the best shape of my life.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches