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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I`d probably choose beer.
“I” before “E” especially after “P”. Mmmm pie
It`s shocking how much unhappiness is caused by the pressure to be happy.
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
I’ve been single so long I deserve a bachelors degree.
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them
Ever notice how it`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes?
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.