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The thing about smart mother f*ckers is... They sound like crazy mother f*ckers to dumb mother f*ckers!
Traffic jams are more tolerable if you just think of them as really boring parades.
whenever i`m bored I just expect at any moment for the Koolaid man to break through my wall and take me on a deliciously refreshing adventure!
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
If you love someone , let them go. If they dont come back, call them up later when your drunk and see wtf is going on.
This patience thing takes forever.
I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
I`m not real excited that the wrapping on my toilet paper said `100% Recycled`.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
I bet the Fantastic 4 were just pretending to have a girl in the group. "Uh yeah she`s just invisible right now. She`s totally real though."