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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
There is a huge difference between a hot girl and a girl wearing lesser clothes.
Studies show that 5 out of 6 people enjoy Russian roulette.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
Ever wonder if the McDonalds logo is the letter "m" or just an image of your butt cheeks it will cause?
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
Drunk people are the only honest ones left.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
Facebook becomes 100 times more entertaining when you have work to do.
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.