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Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
Every time i see a person kneeling over tying their shoe, i run up behind them and hop over them to try and get a game of leapfrog going.
FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
Jealous women do better research then the FBI. True story.
Somewhere the inventor of yoga pants is near death from all the high fives and non-stop free tequila shots he gets.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.