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You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
They should make an app that tells me how many Oreos I can eat for every mile I jog.
Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
You`ve got to love yourself. But not in public places.
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.