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Truthfully officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
“A body at rest tends to stay at rest” should be an acceptable excuse for missing work.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Pretty considerate of germs to count all the way to five before jumping on the food we drop.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
Something tells me that girl with the word "Princess" tattooed on her neck isn`t really Royalty.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.