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I want someone to look at me the way I look at the waiter when he brings my meal.
If it`s true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
The Manning`s Thanksgiving is going to be awkward this year. "Eli, can you pass the stuffing- oh wait, you better let Peyton do it."
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people, to remember the same thing.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
It`s amazing how tired I get from how little I do.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.