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If you have a problem with me please write it nicely on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope, fold it and shove it up your a$$
If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
They say you have real problems if you hear disembodied voices; fortunately all my imaginary friends have bodies.
Let`s run away together.. Lol jk, I don`t run anywhere.
Married sext: I`m not wearing any underwear, because you never put the f*cking laundry in the dryer like I asked you to 100 times
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it`s AM. Google thinks I`ve got my life together.
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.