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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
Iām starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult. So yeah...kids are stupid.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
It would be great if there was an app that deletes your phone number from other people`s phones.
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Life`s short ... Drink fast