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For Valentine`s Day my wife wanted to.... well, you know. It started with her handcuffing me to the bed. And for three solid hours she watched whatever she wanted on television
Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
Just because you think it`s a bad idea doesn`t mean we won`t have a good time.
Why don`t we ever hear anyone bragging about their Allstate safe driving bonus checks?
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
You can either wear granny panties OR yoga pants - not both. Pick one.
I`m thinking of making a sax tape to make myself well known like some of the bad boys and girls do...does it matter if I can`t play it?