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Drying out wet fireworks in the oven is not a good idea. Trust me on this
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
When in doubt, take a nap.
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
No one in my family has ever actually used the Olive Garden gift card. We just keep passing it down from generation to generation.
The best things in life can`t be seen or touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
Some days your the duck. Some days your the goose.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.