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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
Dear Maytag: Why don`t your dryers have a Fold cycle? It`s 2018 for chrissake!
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
I always wince when someone tells me they’re going to hit the sack.
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
eHarmony matched me with a bean bag chair with duct tape on it
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
If I say sorry I missed you, better look really close the next time you cross the street, I don`t miss twice.
I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket
Today I recently discovered how to make my p@nis 12"...I just fold that b!tch in half.
My favorite part of The Notebook is when I turned it off and watched Terminator 3 instead.