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Just got back from a vacation in Nevada...turns out that money can by you love.
I don`t know how many girls it takes to change a light bulb, but I guarantee we`d post pictures of us doing it on Facebook.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
My doctor told me to start killing people. Well it wasn`t those exact words. He said I needed to reduce the stress in my life.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
am a bomb technician...anytime you see me running. Try keep it up
Remembering to remember is always the first thing I forget.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I`m great at balloon animals. You should see my eel, snake, and worm.
I think Labor Day is to remind people that after a full day with the family, going to work actually isn`t so bad after all.
When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I`m a blackjack dealer...