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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
Monday is like canned spinach...I can can deal with it but I`d prefer something else.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
Shouldn`t we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It`s like we work there for a little while.
Mondays are middle finger approved
Cake and pie can’t compete. If you put candles in a cake it’s birthday cake. Put candles in a pie and someone’s drunk in the kitchen.
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.