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I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
I hate when I get to work and I`m at work.
I`m in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I`m at the liquor store.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
thinks we need to think like a first grade teacher and separate Romney and Gingrich next time they debate!
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
The reason swans mate for life is because they don`t talk.
At what number beer are you offically not working from home anymore?
Trying to remain humble but Iām the most famous person in my living room right now.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I`m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that`s cheating?
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.