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Why didn`t you tell me that I wasn`t going to like you
Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
I was about to read the story below. But it was too long.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Either I need to up my dosage or my income.
Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....
There’s too much blood in my caffeine system
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!