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Those of you who say “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” don’t really get how the whole “dead” thing works, do you?
I`ve done so much f*cked up sh!t while I was drunk that I have to drink to forget it all.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
Don`t ask me stupid questions and I won`t hurt your stupid feelings.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
To the makers of rice cakes; thanks for nothing!
If today were a fish, I`d throw it back.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
I can`t stand people who use song lyrics in their status` because they remind me of sombody that I used to know
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, never mind, you will know who you are soon enough.
I love Ebay. Sold my homing pigeon 8 times last month.
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.