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Before the internet I used to like people.
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
I hope to get to the point in my life where I’m not excited about finding change on the ground.
If money cant buy happiness,explain beer!
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated…but can’t pronounce it.
If any of you ladies want pancakes for breakfast, just come over....you can make them here, because I want some too
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...
You know you`re a mom when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.