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Whatever I did to make you hate me, I’d like to know. I have other people I can use that on.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
I`ll take "who the f*ck would know that" for $600, Alex.
That moment when you put your pants on, take a few steps, and feel something crawling down your leg! You grab it on the outside so it doesn`t crawl any further....and then you sigh in relief and thank God the dryer sheet doesn`t bite!
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn`t for any religious reasons. They couldn`t find three wise men and a virgin.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
The hardest question of the weekend.. can or bottle?
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
I hope I’m the last guy on earth — I wanna see if all those women were lying to me.
I`m the perfect man if you don`t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what, that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing