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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
A Smart car Zoomed past me And vanished into a pothole.
I drank an energy drink so if anyone needs help packing, pushing your car to a gas station or shaking the leaves off a tree
The IRS suggests filing early to reduce the chance that someone will steal your identity and file before you. Honestly, if somebody wants my identity so badly they`ll file my tax return for me, go crazy. You can mow my lawn while you`re at it, too.
I`m not an alcoholic I just have a lot of things to celebrate.
There’s always that one person that catches you doing something weird.
I always tell myself there is no such thing as a stupid question, but everyday someone tries to change my mind
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don`t know if they`re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If someone`s mean to you, just lean in and whisper "I`m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world" to them & get that monstrosity stuck in their head.
I bet there`s a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights
I like my coffee like I like my men: caffeinated, made of beans, muscular, tousled hair, you know what, I don`t really know how to do this..
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.
It’s a holiday. You know what that means… Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.