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Long story short, I love summaries.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I don’t trust joggers, it’s a little too convenient that they are always the ones to discover dead bodies.
Sex, do it for the kids.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Sometimes I`ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I`ll be like, "oh no, that can`t be right."
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
The awkward moment when people think you`re drunk when in fact you`re just a blast naturally.
My boss told me that if I can`t show up sober then don`t bother coming to work tomorrow. Three day weekend!
According to serving sizes tonight, I`m a family of 4.
B is the best letter of the alphabet: Boobs, Buns, Booty, Booze, Beer, Bourbon, and Bacon.