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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
Remember that one time the cops pulled you over, then let you go because they had a more interesting call. You are welcome.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
I was fighting with this guy over who`s lazier. I let him win.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.
Cute things to put in a letter to your boyfriend/girlfriend; I adore you. You complete me. Must stay 500 yards away at all times.