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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters.. do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn`t much, but the reception was excellent.
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
A girl phoned me the other day and said “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
Yeah, I was gonna do that, but summer.
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.