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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Somehow, we`ve got to find a way to STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under.
Wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? lol jk, there`s no pizza
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
If you can’t face it, moon it.
I always keep a spare pair of shoes at work that I change into so people don`t know it`s me when I`m taking a dump.
I bet if you were in a city getting attacked by huge sci-fi monsters youd run and scream but in the back of your mind youd be like “awesome”
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.