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I`m just a few smartphone apps away from never having to talk to anyone again.
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Just because I`m awake doesn`t mean I`m ready to do things
I always get a nice safe feeling whenever I see a police car and I realize I`m not driving around with a trunkful of cocaine.
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I was all ears until you said something that sounded like advice.
I am really thankful that I have a desk job. I could never get all my personal stuff done at home.
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
What would I give the woman who has everything? Well, my phone number for a start.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
There is no better sunscreen than sitting in a bar.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.