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I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
I yawn all day at work & school. But when it comes to at night, I’m not tired at all.
I`ve officially reached the point in my life where the trash goes out on Friday nights way more often than I do.
You know that tingly feeling you get when you have a crush on someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Do you think that the guy that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away
I wish I could select all my responsibilities and press delete.
The reason dogs look confused when you open the refrigerator door is because they`re thinking "Why don`t you just eat ALL the food?"