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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Studies show that people with high sex drives also tend to be very forgetful. Did I tell you guys that already?
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
Constantly losing socks in the laundry but finding change. So logically there has to be a sock fairy.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Basically anything you buy at the hardware store looks like you`re getting ready to take hostages.
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.