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Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
If a girls tongue being pierced really mattered, then I would have my palm pierced!
It takes balls to be a man.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you`re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
Don`t, under any circumstance, believe I`ll return your Tupperware.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
I`ll CUT you...!!!!!!!!...... A slice of pizza, cause I`m a sharer:)
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...