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I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.
Facebook taught me to mind everyone else`s business.
Silence is golden but duct tape is silver.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I`d highly recommend Fight Club.
Statistically, I`ve come to the conclusion that I`m going to hell in multiple religions.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
All I`m saying is that Schwarzenegger isn`t the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.
They`re called `selfies` because the only one who`s interested in them is yourself.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”