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something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
The closer you are to the toilet, the harder it is to hold it in.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
I saw a Facebook ad for burial plots and I thought, that`s the last thing I need.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Iām glad MTV has shows like Teen Mom 3 so girls have good role models besides Miley.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
I plan on leaving all my money to the campaign against illiteracy. ...They can`t read this right? lol
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
If you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape.