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Attempting to guilt me in to doing something, is the surest way to make sure it never happens.
Apparently somebody gets stabbed every 52 seconds...sucks to be that guy
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
They might as well put "Uhhh..." in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
I don`t appreciate my son`s teacher circling all the wine stains on his homework.
You can tell a lot about a person by putting a hidden camera in their bedroom.
I miss the good old days..when you could slam the phone down.!!
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.
Sorry I shouted "MORTAL KOMBAT!" when you started arguing with your husband at the grocery store