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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don`t think you`re supposed call people that any more."
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.
I was watching craps at the casino all night until security finally dragged me out of the bathroom.
Sometimes I STOP when it`s not even Hammer time
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.
The difference between a straight girl and a lesbian is about four or five drinks.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don`t use words like "East."
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.