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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Winter needs to calm the f*ck down
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did New Years Eve and at the beginning add the word "stop."
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog "NO!" and then more quietly, "We talked about this!"
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Make Monday More Fun: Unplug the copier at work and put a sign on it that says “Now Voice Activated!” Sit back and watch the magic unfold..
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Thinking of opening a bar right next to a gym and call it “Decisions, Decisions”.
I do love you for your mind, I just like your mind a lot more when you’re naked.
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
Sobriety is an illusion created by alcohol deficiency.
Let It Snow is my favorite song about people who don`t understand how weather works.