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In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
I`m really sick and tired of food having calories...
Everything happens for a reason. That`s why I drink to everything!
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you`re reading this then I`m wishing you a Happy New Year! Stay safe, have fun, and remember, I like New Years gifts too!
I never care whether or not my glass is half full or half empty... cause I drink straight from the bottle!
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
I don`t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
If I ever start a band, I`m going to call it The Voices in My Head. Think of all the fun ways you can tell other people what you`re listening to...
Missing my childhood super-powers, when I could sleep on the couch and wake up in bed.