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The worst time to need to sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
I hate it when someone starts to tell me something, then says "Never Mind".
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
After all these years, I`m beginning to suspect that Waldo doesn`t want to be found.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Considering this is the land of the free, stuff is pretty damn expensive.
If it doesn’t involve food or sleep, I’m probably not interested.