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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
I got some new underwear. Well, new to me...
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
According to my neighbor`s rooster, it`s 5am now. Also according to my neighbor`s rooster, we`re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar
They say love is in every corner… Then my life must be a freakin’ circle.