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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
There´s a thin line between "I should do a status update about that" and "I should talk to a therapist about that"
I’m the kind of girl that would eat Doritos on her wedding day & accidentally wipe her hands on her dress.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
The doctor said I should be drinking more whiskey. Also, I’m calling myself “the doctor” now.
If you`re behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you`re not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
I`m not just living paycheck to paycheck. I`m living from paycheck to change jar to scrap aluminum to liquor store to paycheck.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"