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I heard lots of bongo noises coming from my loft last night. It sounded very Drum Attic.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Remember ladies, if on your 10th selfie you don’t have the perfect one to post you’re really just ugly.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
I just ate a Cheeto that melted perfectly in my mouth! It was Awesome! ....Until I realised that was the highlight of my day.
Well, today was a complete waste of clean clothes.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
I only hate the people in front of me while checking out at the store. Everyone behind me is cool.
I just sent out my daily text to a random number saying "I hit Zack with my truck. I`m going to need to use your hacksaw to cut him up.
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Bran flakes. Helping pants fit better for over 100 years.
"Wow! That butterfly`s gonna be HUGE!" - First person to find a mummy