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From 8am until 12pm, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch.
I hate situations where I have to acknowledge the people I had been successfully ignoring.
Ever met a boring and stable girl who was good in bed? Exactly.
Miley Cyrus and Justin Beiber were both answers on Jeopardy tonight. The end is near........
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I`m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
Before McDonald`s I bet "don`t buy cheeseburgers from a clown" was a pretty hard and fast rule.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
Don`t hide your feelings. Hide the evidence.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
Might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery, the odds are about the same
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
They should make a "How It`s Made" episode on how "How It`s Made" is made.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.