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I wanna see Mythbusters do the bible.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left behind by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
Any time you feel lonely, remember, its your fault nobody likes you.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.
They say money can’t buy happiness… but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
Keep scrolling , I got nothing.
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.
Calling your girlfriend beautiful because you forgot her name.