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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Patient: "The problem is that obesity runs in my family." Doctor: "No, the problem is no one runs in your family."
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
We are the only ones who can control our own happiness, but sometimes it feels like someone else is holding the remote.
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
"Okay" means you`re in the clear. "K" means you`re better off not coming home. Fellas, you know what I`m talking about.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
You might be a REDNECK if you think S.T.O.P. means spin tires on pavement!! :)) lol
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they`re easier to spot when I go through the bar`s lost and found box.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.