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Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
Sometimes I think I`m pretty cool but then I remember plants can eat sun and poop out air.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Things you need to know about me: 1- I`m lazy 2- hmm, one is enough
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Don`t send me a ;) face and then wonder why I show up at your house naked.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If only there was a way to voice a highly uneducated opinion to thousands of people on a regular basis