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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I was all "I`m not taking any sh!t from you" and she was all "to speak to a member of our customer service team, press 1".
Some of the best things in life...are mistakes.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
The only human interaction I want for the rest of the day is the exchange of money between me and the liquor store cashier
Why is it that when you work very hard, you say you are working like a dog? Every dog I`ve ever known is lazy and sleeps 16 hours a day.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I’d go to the gym but I’m still tinkering with the ultimate workout playlist I started three years ago.
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Likes doing tokyo drifts with the shopping carts when I round the corner of each isle at Walmart.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
I`m switching to Metric. I would weigh a lot less on the Metric scale.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me .. It´s Sunday.
BREAKING NEWS: Will Smith sends Miley Cyrus to live with auntie and uncle in Bel Air.