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Why do people with really bad breath always want to tell you secrets?
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
They say you`re not supposed to go to the grocery store when you`re hungry. It`s been several days now, what should I do?
Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That`s about as organic you`re gonna get out of me.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
"How many people work at your company?" About half of them.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
China has largest population not because the men are extra horny nor women are extra fertile but because... Their condoms are made in China.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I wish electronics would scream a little bit when you unplugged them.
I`m more indecisive than a John in a brothel with gold credit card.
Next time you`re down in the dumps...pick me up a spare tire!