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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
How to tell if your wife is mad at you - Step 1. She is
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
ATTENTION: Upon further consideration, I am once again pushing back the debut of my summer beach bod. Thank you for your patience.
There is no one more trustworthy than Clark Kent`s dry cleaner.
"People should just mind their own business," probably the funniest thing I`ve ever read on a social networking site.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the self-checkout section.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects. Good times.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.