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Why is it when you go to get your drivers license photo, they tell you to smile. Your not smiling when the police pull you over.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I`d miss you, but I`d still love you."
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
No one ever reads the rules of Monopoly unless an argument breaks out.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
I’ve got about as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.