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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
A walk of shame is always sad. Don`t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Know the rules well so you can break them effectively.
Life would be more simple if the person who named the orange an orange would have named more things. ;) Just Sayin`
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
It`s going to be so disappointing if we ever ask aliens about crop circles and they`re just like, "We really hate corn."
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.