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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
Being a pizza delivery driver is great because literally no one is disappointed to see you
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words "wet and slippery" at work all day without anyone thinking I`m a big perv.
If you`re ever held at gun point, just remember, I`m behind you 100%.
If the river were beer and I was a duck, I would swim to the bottom and never come up..
My life is a constant battle of preventing my muffin top from becoming a pound cake.
When I see something funny on the internet, I don’t usually laugh. I just blow more air out of my nose than usual.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Have I been drinking? Clearly officer, you`re no detective
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Judging by the way some women wear makeup it`s rather obvious they didn`t excel at coloring as a kid ...
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be totally impossible!