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You can`t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
You look like you only got about 5 of your 8 hours of beauty sleep last night...
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
I got caught peeing in the swimming pool today... The lifeguard shouted so loud I almost fell in.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
I don’t just sing in the shower... I perform.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
It usually only takes about five minutes into any conversation I’m having before people start shaking their head and quoting the bible.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.