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It took dozens and dozens of flushes and a plunger, but my guinea pig`s funeral is finally over.
"I`m single and ready to mingle"..oh god, is this why I`m still single, cuz I say sh!t like that?
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
We`re all just nudists in disguise.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Waterfalls are a beautiful, majestic sight as they pour down upon the rocky crags below. Unless you`re in a canoe and about to plummet to your death. Then waterfalls sorta suck.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.
If I get a million likes on Facebook......not a damn thing will change.