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I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
Happiness is the journey, not the destination, and when you reach your destination, ie; bottom of a beer, you must embark on a new journey, ie; get another beer........
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
All milk is breast milk.
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
My love for you is beyond words so don’t expect a Valentine’s Day card from me.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Is everything expensive or am I simply poor?
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.