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I`m at my most judgmental when standing behind someone in a buffet line.
When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
If someone hates you for no apparent reason, give them one.
Me: Dad, going to the 50cents concert. Dad: Here`s a dollar, take your sister with you.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
Peeing in the sink is a great time saver: no lifting the seat, no flush, sink is right there to wash hands jk I don`t wash my hands.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?"
First rule of Pizza club, you don’t share it.