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I like the parts of the day when food happens.
No matter how prepared you think you are, a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Life would be so much more fun if there were random Dukes of Hazzard style car ramps along the drive to work.
Health experts recommend a 1500 calorie diet. For those of you not good with math... that’s a 12-pack of 125 calorie beers. You`re welcome!!! ;)
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I just found out the neighborhood is having a meeting about the creepy guy. ..Its weird that they forgot to invite me ..
This patience thing takes forever.
I have completely mastered the right way to do everything wrong.
I bet my road rage will be taken seriously once I get a car.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
I drank so much vodka last night I woke up with a Russian accent.