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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
Pro tip - You can blame anything on autocorrect.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer.
If you have fewer than 25 FB friends. Please unfriend me because thats just embarassing and I dont want to be on your "loser" list.
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
I always tell the person at the drive-thru that they are so much prettier than I pictured them when I was ordering.
Mustaches: 1. Like them or not? 2. Should you refuse to go out on a date with someone just because she has one?
Knock knock Who`s there? Control Freak. Now you say "Control Freak who?"
There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.