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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
Look UPS guy, you can`t just show up at someone`s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
loves infomercials, but claiming that a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
If you really think about it, "Nightlife" is just a fancy word for drinking alcohol at a place that isn`t your house.
Do you ever feel like you`re in Season 5 of your life, and the writers are just doing outrageous stuff to keep it interesting?
Just knowing that I have successfully pissed you off again makes my day.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Stop calling them rednecks. The term is NASCAR-Americans. Y`all.
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.