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If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
"No comment" - said no woman, ever
I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th, because I know how to reduce fractions unlik the rest of you morons.
Don`t forget to get offended today by some retarded sh!t that has absolutely no bearing on your life whatsoever.
Just once I wanna see a pregnancy test commercial where the female is like, "Aww, f**k..."
My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation.
There has to be an online course that I can take to get over my internet addiction.
Iām not the friend you put on speaker phone.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.