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Ladies, not every guy who talks to you wants to bang you. Some of us know that you have booze and snacks in your purse.
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
The guy who decided how to spell bologna was clearly in over his head.
I can`t believe the music that kids listen to now-a-days! What ever happened to wholesome music like "Push It" and "Me So Horny"?
I was having breakfast at a friend`s house and she said "How do you take your coffee?" I said "Very seriously."
Random Thought: How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that`s your business.
I saw a spider in my bathtub. So I took a tissue and very, very carefully, burned the house down.
They told me to never give up. Now they call me a stalker.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
I bet giraffes don`t even know what farts smell like.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment