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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
I swear I heard my dentist whisper "yolo" as he reached for a chisel...
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and a crappy party host.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
I`m about as lost as lesbian on ChristianMingle.com
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
When in doubt, procrastinate.
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
I am going to open "The Karma Cafe" There will be no menus though. You will get what you deserve!
I`m astounded at how fast my "I survived Ebola" t-shirt got me to the front of the Black Friday lines this year..
Falling out of bed the fun way. Oh wait, there isn`t a fun way....
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.