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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I woke up this morning with a glass of water on my bedside table with a note saying “for hungover me” I drank it and it was vodka. Drunk me can be such an asshole!
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
My new years resolution was to lose 30 lbs by the end of summer... I`ve only got 40 lbs to go.
Water is life; without it we wouldn’t have coffee, whiskey or beer.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
Proposing to a woman isn`t like choosing a life-long business partner. It`s more like hiring your own boss.
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I don`t even understand Fantasy Football. There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks. I call bullsh!t.
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
My scars tell a story. A story about a guy who`s really f*cking clumsy.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!