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People who don`t know what they want should not use the drive thru!
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
You have your whole life to be an a$$hole...are you trying to use it all up in one day?
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
I got a Rolex for my birthday from my lesbian friends. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
I`ve decided that from now on I`m going to answer every question like a presidential candidate. It`s kind of fun...
"Dean, what are you doing this weekend?"
"That`s a great question -- and an important one. And I WILL do something this weekend. But let me take a step back, and answer a broader question. What are we ALL doing this weekend? As a nation? As a world? This weekend, I will do something comprehensive and robust, yet fun. We all should."
"But what are you doing?"
"What I`m g
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I prefer to think outside the box because things can get very dark inside it.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.