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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
That logical moment when you`re watching Home Alone 2 wondering how child services haven`t taken him away from his parents yet.
Roses are red, dead ones are black, why is your chest as flat as your back?
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
llllllloooollllll...........................i saw a donkey on a bike
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
It`s all fun and games...unless there`s cookies, then it`s serious
I didn`t have access to Facebook for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.