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You can make your life more entertaining by simply reaching out, and getting to know a whore.
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
If you really loved your kids, you would teach them to say their alphabet forwards AND backwards. They`ll thank you later.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It`s not like a murderer will come in thinking "I`m gonna ki..- ahh damn! He`s under a blanket
I just found out that all the people who say "You haven`t changed a bit" have been lying to me. :)
Anyone else has a plastic bag at home full of plastic bags?
Helping my kid study for her geology exam, and apparently `hard` `classic` and `punk` are not the 3 different types of rock.
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it to breathe. 2) if it does not look like it`s breathing give it mouth-to_mouth
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Dear autocorrect: at no point have I ever meant “ducking.”