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"IT`S A BOY" I shouted, tears rolling down my face "I DON`T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!" It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Maybe Oscar wouldn`t have been so grouchy if the people on Sesame Street cared about the fact that he`s homeless
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
Empty your medicine cabinet and put another mirror in there. Scares the hell out of snooping house guests.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
"Omg. Why does this store have so many naked pictures of me?"... "Sir those are mirrors, and we`re gonna have to ask you to leave."
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn`t really listening.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep
I`m having an out of money experience.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don`t need that negativity in my life.
Shout out to the single lady I saw buying a bunch of Duracell batteries on Valentine`s Day.