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I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
they say there`s love in every corner....gosh I think I`m moving in circles
Sometimes I order fajitas at a restaurant just to get more attention.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
I always reply to my wife’s texts with :0))) I’m not being friendly, I’m discretely letting the fat bitch know how many chins she has.
I know some of you would find it hard to believe, but I don`t say everything that pops into my head. I don`t think the average person could handle it.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
The Three Up`s in life: 1. Show 2. Keep 3. Shut
I wish college was 5 easy payments of $19.99
Will someone please tell ugly girls with small boobs that their opioion doesnt really matter.
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
Every wanna answer every question with a middle finger? That`s kinda where I am today.