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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
All my childhood invisible friends are probably doctors and lawyers now.
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
I knew the Psychic was no good the moment she accepted my check
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
People who drive under the speed limit are probably the same people who drink decaf.
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Never trust anyone who smiles this early in the morning.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
I act like Pacman at parties. I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT. - My dog, whenever I`m eating.