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What´s the difference between light and hard? You can go to bed with a light on.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Things I use duct tape for, by percentage: Pranks: 35% Car repair: 35% Wrapping presents: 20% Medical emergencies: 10% Ducts: 0%
FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: “Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?”
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
Why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem.
Thinking about staying in tonight? Nobody looks back in life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I once bought shoes in China that said "made around the corner"
This girl is ignoring me like a check engine light.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.