Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
Whenever a little kid asks me to push him on the swing I remind him there are children his age in China making iPhones.
RAIN!!!! :) I guess my rain dances must have worked. Some people call it stumbling around... I call it rain dancing.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
I don`t understand why Walmart has a problem with me bringing my dog in the store. He`s better behaved, smells better, and less likely to take a crap on the floor than 95% of the people here
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
I walked briskly with scissors today. Iām pretty wild.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!