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Live today like it`s your last!! But pay your bills and use a condom just in case it isn`t.
20 years from now, some adults are going to say they grew up on the “bad part of town,” meaning there was no 4G in that area.
I was playing catch phrase with my family and the phrase I got was `pearl necklace` .. And then I ruined family time...
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
Thoughts of you make my demons nervous.
If anyone is interested, I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 1:00 PM until I’m escorted out by security.
If adult diapers are called Depends, then baby diapers should be called Definitely!!
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
I would`ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited `til it was dark instead.
Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook