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They say in the near future computers will become more intelligent than people, really, the near future? I walk down the street and see girls who struggle with the difference between orange and tanned, guys who have no idea how a belt works, and all of them with less language skills then the average trained chimp. Computers? Hell I’ve got an alarm clock that’s smarter than most of them right now.
Sometimes, you can just tell it`s gonna be a "does not play well with others" kind of day.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
One should love animals.. They are so tasty.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
“100 Calorie Packs” roughly translated means “Eat Two or Three of These”
I hate it when I put a status and you don`t like it,example this one.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
2015 and still no thieves interested in my identity.
I wish I had the confidence of a male flight attendant
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
This would be a lot more fun drunk - Me, to everything.
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.