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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Where do suicide bombers go when they die? Everywhere.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of a plane
i just accidentally used AOL online, im betting the workers there are celebrating and think they have a chance in the future. lol
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
You ever wonder why it`s only women who need exorcisms?
What`s the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Its around this time each year that i just enjoy going outside and seeing my christmas lights already set up from the year before.
It’s like I wanna be left alone but I still want people to notice my absence, you know.
Remember waffles are just pancakes ribbed for your pleasure
I can`t help but smile when I see a woman wearing a Supertramp Concert t-shirt
Honk if you wanna see the finger
If you reach your hand into a woman`s purse, it crosses into a parallel universe containing everything but the one thing you`re looking for.