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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you`re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they`ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I hate it when the movie trailer is better than the movie itself.
Just rescued a Coca Cola that was trapped in the fridge!
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
If there is anything I learned from 80`s movies it`s that I`m the best around, and nothing is ever gonna keep me down
Is it just me or does the word "retweet" bring up images of Elmer Fudd commanding an army on the defensive?
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
My last request: At my funeral, someone come up at the end and padlock my coffin shut, just to freak everyone out.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
While it was raining today, I thought for fun I would run out there and scream "I`m melting I`m melting!"
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.
~WARNING~ I will more than likely offend you at some point in time