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Anyone who says "Let`s all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Nothing says God is forgiving like hell.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Holidays, hotels and women. Three things that always look better online than in real life.
Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I`m older than the Internet.
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
Chip clips are for quitters.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.