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If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer?……………………. (you smart people grinned didn’t you.)
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Why do they call it "hiring a hitman" and not "ordering takeout"
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I`m never free but I`m available.
I wish Facebook wasn`t the only place I could block people from my life.
Pro Tip: If you knock on the door to a bathroom stall and someone says "one second," wait more than one second before entering.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"