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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Sometimes you have got to talk to a 3year old toddler in order to understand the meaning of happiness in life.
Cops don’t like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air...then you wave them like you just don’t care.
Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.
Drake isn`t even a rapper anymore. He`s an emotion, like "how are you doing today?" "idk im feeling kinda drake though"
Stop Instagramming words. I`m not following you for your thoughts. Take off your f*cking shirt.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Nothing makes me more nervous than getting FB msg saying, “You’ve been tagged in a photo” after a crazy weekend.
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?