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Its so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way UP
Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Monopoly: Destroying friendships since 1904
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
People at work tell me I have a lot of patience. Fact is… there are just way too many witnesses around
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Show some cleavage on bad hair days.