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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
When a woman says "what?" its not because she didn`t hear you. She`s giving you a chance to change what you just said.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
I can`t wait to find my soul mate so I can start sleeping on the couch.
I`m tired of people assuming I`ve got a good personality because I`m ugly.
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
A stress ball, made of concrete, and to throw at the person who`s stressing you out.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`