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I shook the vending machine until my chips fell, so yeah, I’m a hunter-gatherer.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
I have over 500 facebook friends, and i want to say that i love you all...except for number 376 ..you`re a real a@@hole!!
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
I slept on the sofa last night which is weird because I`m not even married.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
Feeling a little sassy today...But then again, that`s everyday
We all just sat there and watched as Pepe Le Pew tried to rape that cat. Shame on us.
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.