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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
Iβd like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. Iβm so glad Iβm not a crazy person.
Canβt wait till Iβm old and I can play the βfall asleepβ card in awkward situations.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Alcohol doesnβt make you fatβ¦ it makes you Leanβ¦ on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.