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I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
If you`re a vegan an atheist and a liberal, how do you choose which way to annoy people at Thanksgiving first?
people live & people die, but in the the end we still get high.. so if in life you dont succeed, F*CK it All & smoke some WEED ?
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
I just awesomed all over the place.
I`m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala. I can sleep for 22 hours a day.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Living out of your car isn`t so bad if you keep telling yourself you`re "on tour"
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw
If you want to talk to me on the phone, I need at least three days notice.