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Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains that could`ve become beer, but didn`t
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can`t conjugate verbs.
To whoever finds the $20 I dropped last night: spend it on alcohol. It`s what I would have wanted.
I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I’d like to hang out, but that would get in the way of me being home and doing absolutely nothing.
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
Can’t wait till I’m old and I can play the ‘fall asleep’ card in awkward situations.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.