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Please either stop being so attractive or make out with me, it`s your choice.
363 shopping days `til Christmas and some people already have their lights up.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
I’ve discovered, the easiest way to change a flat tire is by not wearing a bra.
My wife and I laugh at how competitive we are at things, but I laugh more.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn`t that make life fair?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Honestly, I have no idea what I would even do with 5 hours of energy.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.