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There is a fine line between a sleepover and just drinking way too much at someone else`s house.
United States is where moms get a day and shark get a whole week.
Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said strip down facing me,she was referring to my credit card.
Drunk is when you feel sophisticated but can’t pronounce it.
Hi I’m a spider & I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.
Please: No,No.No-More about how you think relationships should be: we`ve got it , Your Single,,- get off facebook and go take your own expert advise...
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
Chinese food to go: $16.84. Gas to go get it: $2.62. Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
Keep honking. I´m reloading.
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".