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“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
Some people have a natural talent for stupid. Others take that talent and actually ENHANCE it!
A Positive attitude may not solve all our problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort!
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
Lately, my furnace has run so much I nicknamed it "Forest".
Man I wanna throw a book at someones face and be like "I Facebooked you!"
Remember ... I can always make it look like an accident.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
Good mothers let you lick the beaters when they`re making a cake. Great mothers turn the mixer off first.