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God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and ten million dollars.
Facial recognition software can pick out a person in a crowd, but this stupid vending machine at work can`t recognize my dollar bill with a bent corner...
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
It`s hard to look like a bad-ass when you`re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Being stuck in the`` friend zone`` is like an employer refusing you for a job and calling you to complain about the person he hired.
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.
"Always leave them wanting more" is my new mantra when paying bills.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.