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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug
Why do they waste so much money on all the checkout lanes at Walmart, when they only have two of them open at any given time.
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
How the hell can Dora call herself an explorer if she only goes to places already on the map?
This girl next to me in class has a piece of tape over her laptop webcam. This can only mean she’s made some serious mistakes in her past…
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
I have two moods: sleep is for the weak and sleeping for a week.
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
take a left on crazy, keep going until you hit insane. Follow that down to lunatic, turn right on insomnia, way past retarded and there you are @ my place!
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. So I’m off to find a bar with a mirror.