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Kiss me I`m Irish, put a little tongue in it, I`m French too
I once tried sniffing coke, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck up my nose.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
What doesn`t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
The mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I`m pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I`m driving"
Lasagna is just spaghetti flavored cake.
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
It takes patience to listen. It takes skill to pretend you’re listening.