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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
I love my friends unconditionally.* *Certain terms and conditions may apply. May not be available on all days. Coverage not available in all locations.Offer good for 30 days.Requires two-year minimum agreement. Fees applied for activation and early termination.
I remember, once upon a time... for about 2 seconds... about 13 years ago... I almost gave a damn.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Screw it, just add another blade." -Gillette marketing concepts.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Line forms here for spankings
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.