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Your dating profile should be like house listings. 1. Sq. footage 2. Date built 3. # of previous owners? 4. Finished basement?
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Just because leggings stretch dont mean yo 465 pound a$$ should be in them!
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
I’m late for a disappointment.
gave up trying to understand women years ago. Women understand women and they hate each other.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
Ain`t no sandwich when she`s gone.