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Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.
I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn`t in a band anymore.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
This Pokemon Go crap is getting ridiculous. I just saw a fight breakout between the pokebloods and the pokecrips.
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
How does one get suspended with full pay and benefits? Asking for a friend who is actually me.
I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I’ve thought about running away as an adult way more than I did as a child.