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Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I just stepped on a cornfkake does that make me a cereal killer ?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shit to carry.
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
I wish I could get excited as a redneck drinking cheap beer and watching cars go around in circles for hours.
There is only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water lying about being milk.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even auto correct is like....`I`ve got nothing man.`