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I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Why isn`t there a reality show called "Security Cams of Walmart?"
Women seem to want security. At least that`s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
Getting drunk and listening to loud music solves 87% of all life`s problems
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
I would unblock you but then I`d be admitting I`d made a mistake and that`s just not my thing.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Family vacations: When you pay a lot of money to yell at your kids in exotic destinations, preferably on a balcony with an ocean view.
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D